Dilemma.

Lamanya ruangan ini sepi

Lama nya aku xmenulis di sini

Sedar tak sedar dah masuk December . Dan xlama lagi winter break akan bermula.

Dublin pun dah berubah wajah. Dalam kemurungan kelam hari yang dibalut mendung dan hujan, bandar2 dan rumah2 hidup dengan lampu2 yg digantung. Biasa lah, musim chrismast dah sampai. Sejuk pun xkurang cengkaman nya. Sekarang dah xmampu mengayuh basikal. Tangan ku beku, kakiku kaku. Haa,elok sangat lah tuh. Last2 tergolek atas jalan. Kan payah.

Sungguh, tak kurasa masa berlalu. Ni dah masuk winter kedua aku kat Dublin. Usia menginjak, pengalaman pn bertambah.Tak kurang juga beban yang ditanggung, tanggungjawab yang dipikul.

Sabar, Ikin, dan bertahanlah.

Keep on moving.

I kept on telling this to myself, on and on. sort of a motivational thought. Tapi dalam xsedar, rasa diri dah makin lemah. Inferiority complex aku makin menjadi2.

Tak boleh jadi.

Ni penyakit hati.

Kena lawan!!

Ok. Dah.

Jangan pikir sangat. Syaitan saja nk usik tuh, depression? Maybe...musim2 final exam ni, biasa la...

Teringat kata2 seorang sahabat,

« Allah did not promise that the road would be easy, but He did promise that He would be with you in every single step of your life, as long as you want Him to ».

Benar2 memujuk hati. Rasa terubat semua jerih. Thank you Allah..Thank you…

Sebenarnya..

Tengah sedih pn ada ni.

Ntah.

Rasa emosi sedikit terganggu.

Rasa murung, muram.

Bukan sebab tertekan.

Bukan sebab xcukup makan (dah terlebih kottt)

Bukan sebab rindu mak.

Tapi sebab, tadi ak mendapat berita sedih dari sorang sahabat, tentang perginya seorang insan yang aku xpernah kenal, xpernah jumpa dan xpernah tahu dia wujud, hinggalah ak mendengar ceritanya pada hari ini. Hari terakhir persinggahan dia di muka bumi ini.

Masa aku tahu pasal ni, aku baru nk start bentang nota dalam study group.

Bila dah tahu, automatically...

Zapppp.

Mode tukar.

Rasa mcam…. BERAT sungguh sesi tu.

Sebak, sedih, terharu,macam2.

Bercampur-campur.

Benar,terasa lidah kaku, otak pun join beku.

Mengapakah ?

Kenapakah ?

Entahla. Emosi manusia ni complex. Bukan daya aku untuk kupas segalanya satu persatu.

Tapi terasa down malam ni. Cant do a thing.

Jangan salah tafsir.

Rasa down ni bukan senjata aku untuk tunding jari meletakkan kesalahan pada sesiapa.

Muhasabah diri..mungkin itu ayat yang lebih baik utk aku ungkapkan apa yg sedang berlaku.

Harapnya, tenang kembali jiwa ini

(muhasabah ttg apa??biarlah rahsia...)

Ouh haaa, lupa nk cakap.

Lagi 4minggu exam final.

Takut

Cuak

Penat.

Rasa nk memberontak pn ada.

Ishhh!!!!

Ape nih! Xbleh2!

Ok, kena study. Ingat, tanggungjawab dan amanah, dimana kita letak nilai2 ini dalam konsep belajar kita.

Moga Allah permudahkan urusan ku, dan urasan mu sahabat2 sekalian.

Selamat menjalani peperiksaan bagi yang sedang menjalani peperiksaan, dan selamat berusaha bagi yang sedang dan akan berperang di medan exam nnti...

moga Allah bersama2 dgn kita dan mempermudahkan jalan2 kita.

Amin..

Unwell.

Sakit itu penghapus dosa. Sakit itu petanda Allah masih ingatkan kita. Sakit itu mungkin juga menjadi teguran pada sang empunya badan. Dan aku dalam keadaan sakit. Gering diserang demam panas,batuk, selsema, sakit tekak, abd having back pain as well.

Khamis malam:
My mouth felt really dry. The temperature outside was 9degrees and I don’t turn on the heater in my room, still I felt very hot. Its like burning sensation was all over my body. I slept duvetless that night, and a bit restless caused by this weird heat rising condition.

Friday:
Woke up at 5am. Have sore throat and mild headache. Could be because I lacked of sleep. 6.20am we all went to the garda office. It was not as cold as I expected (At least not as cold as last year). We queued up until 8.30am and I got my turn: 299!! Ok, we decided to go back to the campus as we all have classes from 10 to 1. the head ache was getting worst. In the class, around 12, I felt like a sudden heat burst out. Feels like im on fire. I barely can open my eyes. The headache was the worst ever. I nearly knocked my head to the table. It was really unbearable. I wish I could lie down in cold water and eat analgesic as much as I can. A friend of mine (thanks Khadijah) helped me to send me home. I took paracetamol, and after few minutes I was getting better.

6am.again, I experienced this high temperature. I cant sleep at all, and drank lotsa water. No good news. Luckily my juniors were around(tq anis n noran), they put wet clothes on my skin, massage my head, gave me medication and dinner. As usual, the temperature goes down again.

2 am. Barely can sleep. Felt very hot, sweating, and having severe head ache. I cried in my sleep, in which I don’t know why. Called my dad, and talk to my aunty (she’s a doctor, so I think she maybe could help me). I was urged by them both to be taken to the hospital at once. I barely can walk. Sorry housemates, ikin da sshkan korang.

At 4.45am shira called 911. 5am, I was taken to the St James's hospital with the temperature of 39degrees by the ambulance. The medical staff did many types of diagnoses on me, and they found out that I had viral infection (which is a good thing because I was worrying that I might have H1N1 thingy..alhamdulillah)

12pm: went home by cab. Thanks shira for accompanying me throughout the processes in the hospital. My temperature was 38degrees, which is better. I went home and slept. Feels a lot better, and manage to sleep (even still woke up few times in the middle of the night).

Saturday: feels better. Only hav mild headache. Hope this will go away.. hey Virus, I HATE you, and I wont let you invade my body!

To all friends, thanks for all concerns shown, I really appreciate it.hope will recover very soon. and thanks to Abah and Mak as well for cntinuous support and love. i love you both,really..

Hate skipping class, n really need to get done with my garda (yang xsempat siap). Get well soon, Ikin!

Allahumma ‘aafini fi badani…

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kesihatan tubuh badan yang baik, dan ampunkanlah dosa-dosa ku... amin..

I love you.

original version, taken in Manchester, UK

Thanks rizal.this means a world to me :)

I never thought that this picture, the one we took last January (2009) would be our last gathering in Manchester, as two of my best friends will leave me and the rest. Feels like a crushing pain in the chest, unexplainable, very painful and hurting, and it caused me to drop few tears once I recalled our trip back then.

I know, I am not a good friend to count on, and I was not always available when you need me. People don’t say how much they love the person they care for everyday. But once u loss them, then you’ll know haw valuable is that person to u, and to get them back, its priceless. People said im an extrovert, but I guess not in all aspects. And I afraid that if I don’t say this out, you guys will have no other chance to listen to this anymore.

I LOVE YOU.

I love you because you’ve created wonderful moments with me. You were there when I need you the most. I love you because you’ve been frank to me in so many things, n u even say things that other don’t say because they afraid they would humiliate me, and I love you because you never reject me as your friend even when I was at the bottom of my life. I love you because you stands by me, and give me supports, even I don’t ask one from you. I love you because whenever I need a shoulder to cry, you’ll be there to comfort me. And I love you because even my jokes are not funny at all, u laugh, just to make me feel better and appreciated. I love you because whenever my appearance looks inappropriate, or funny like a clown, you would stand there and correct me straight away. I love you because I know that u love me too.

You make me feel like a person, and you make my life shine with hope and happiness. You make me stronger than ever, and whenever I feel weak, you’ll reach out your hand to help me walk thru the path. You are the greatest treasure I’ve ever met in my life, and I thank God, because He blesses me with you. And I can’t imagine how terrible my life would be and how messy I would become if Allah has not sent you to me.

If I want to describe everything, the words won’t be enough. But I just wanna you to know that in every single moment I spend with you, I thank you because you’ve turn the time to be priceless and meaningful. I don’t wanna ask for more, just wish you happiness, and never..never ever let this relationship end.

Be my friend, always..forever and a day..

Love,

-ikin-

#dedicated to all friends.

Di Hari Persandinganmu..

Pada suatu masa yang ditetapkan…
Kita pasti dirisik..
Pertunangan sejak azali..
Di hujung hidup nanti..
Berlangsungnya perkahwinanmu dengan maut..
Hantarannya. .sakit dan nazak..
Tamu bertandang menghadiahkan esak tangis..
Pengantin dimandikan..
Dipakaikan baju cantik putih..
Wangian gaharu dan cendana..
Keranda jadi pelaminan..

Pengantin bersanding sendirian..
Di arak keliling kampung..
Berkompangkan azan dan kalimah kudus..
Akad nikahnya bacaan talkin..
Berwalikan liang lahat..
Saksi pula nisan-nisan. .
Siraman air mawar..
Keluarga terdekat menepung tawar..

Tiba masa pengantin..
Menunggu sendirian..
Malam pertama bersama KEKASIH..
Di kamar bertilamkan tanah..
Dan Dia menuntut janji..
Sucikah kita tatkala berpadu..
Pernahkah taubat sepanjang hayat..
Atau terkubur bersama dosa-dosa…
Dan Dia Kekasih itu..

Menetapkanmu ke syurga..
Atau melemparkan dirimu ke neraka

-taken from an email of a friend-
Moga kita suci dan bahagia di hari persandingan yang pasti ini.

Thanks to all!

Penat dan sakit badan. Still suffering muscle ache,flu and cough. This cold weather doesnt help promoting a good health for me at the moment. Since i arrived, havent heard my sisters' voices yet. urgh...really miss em.lots and lots and lots.

The classes has started, and the juniors (from my observation), they are overwhelm with toooo many info to be digested in such a short period. Ahaa, recalling back then when i was a freshie in my 1st year, it was pretty tough to adjust myself.Ahaa...sweet, good old days. So to all juniors, all the best to all of you n njoy eire while u still can.

Today is the club and society's registration day to all students. Tiring and fun i would say. And we (the ISOC RCSI committee members) are soooooo happy with the number of students who had registered for today. Thanks to all! At last, this club had become famous and popular among students. I also hope that it will benefit all of us as well iA.

I just wanna credit this best wishes to all RCSI ISOC committee, you guys are cool!! :) Thanks to all who had make today's aevent a memorable and njoyable one.

Love and Life and Women

I remember quite clearly now when this story happened.
The autumn leaves were floating and measured down to the ground.
Recovering the lake where we use to swim like children
On the sun would dare to shine.
That time, we used to be happy
Well, I thought we were,
But the truth was that
you had been longing to leave me, Not daring to tell me
On that precious night watching the lake vaguely conscious

You said: Our story was ending.

Now I'm standing here
No one to wipe away my tears,
No one to keep me warm
And no one to walk along with,
No one to make me feel
No one to make me while,

OH! What am I to do?

I'm standing here alone,
It doesn't seem so clear to me
What am I supposed to do about this burning, heart of mine

OH! What am I to do? Or how should I react? OH! Tell me please!

The rain was killing the last days of Summer
You had been killing my last breath of love
Since a long time ago
I still don't think I am gunna make it through another love story
You took it all away from me
And there I stand, I knew I was gonna be the .....
The one left behind.
But still I'm watching the lake vaguely conscious
And I know~~~My life is ending.


#has nothing to do with personal experiences,just love the lines#

Musafir di Aidilfitri

Jumaat. 25hb 9 2009. hari ni adalah hari kedua aku berada di rumah baru. Jet lag tahun ni de la teruk sangat. Masih mampu kemas bilik, and tidur 7jam je sejak sampai semalam. Bosan, rindu dan sejuk. Terbayang segar wajah2 insan2 yang aku sayang, yang telah aku tinggalkan lebih 48jam yang lalu.

Setakat ni aku masih belum dapat dengar suara mak dan abah sebab no phone aku dah kena block dan rumah baru masih belum masuk internet. Malang2… makin sedih sebab tengah layan lagu musafir di aidilfitri. Ala2 mood raya laa konon.

Demam masih belum kebah. I need to get myself busy. I hav to be strong. Kena kuat semangat..tu lah pesan ayah mat (atuk aku) sebelum bertolak di KB.. Miss him a lot…

O Allah, aku rindu mereka… Kau kuatkanlah semangat aku. Tabahkanlah hati kecil ini. Dan bantu aku untuk membuatkan mereka tersenyum atas kejayaan aku di sini. Dan Kau peliharalah hati ini ya Allah. Betulkanlah niat aku dalam menelusuri perjalanan ku disini, dan andai kata ini adalah ujianMu untuk menilai imanku, maka aku mohon dengan sangat ya Allah, tambahkanlah kekuatan minda dan kudrat ku untuk mengagungkan jalanMu, kalimahMu dan agamaMu. Amin...

Sesungguhnya aku bukanlah insan paling kuat. Aku hanya seorang makhluk lemah, yang masih mengalirkan air mata bagai anak kecil yang ditinggal ibu, masih butuh nasihat dan bimbingan, masih belum matang menilai sesuatu, masih naif dalam pergaulan, masih merangkak dalam membina impian berasaskan harapan melangit tinggi. Maka bantu lah aku, andai aku tersalah maka tegurlah. Andai aku tersasar maka tarik tangan ku, andai aku jatuh janganlah tinggalkan. Moga gerimis dingin dublin akan menyejukkan hati ku, dan hati bonda ayahanda. Semoga sejahtera semuanya...